UVA Football and Arby's Meat Mountain Challenge: Brian 2, Mountain 0

A Virginia win last weekend meant two things. One, the Hoos would stay atop the Coastal Division, tied with Georgia Tech with a 2-0 record. Two, you and I would meet here once again.

In case you missed it, I agreed to eat an Arby's Meat Mountain for each Virginia win after two. Last week, Virginia earned their third win of the season, which led to this.

I was on my way back from watching No. 19 UVA take down No. 20 George Mason in men's soccer, 1-0. In good spirits and needing to celebrate, I decided to swing by ol' Arby's on my way home. The time is now 10:21 p.m. when I type this. My last meal was at approximately 1:30. I should be plenty hungry.

But I'm not, because I ordered medium curly fries. I ate them all on the drive home. I knew I'd regret it. I didn't care. Their fries are delicious. At least I learned (sort of) my lesson from last time, when I ordered a large.

I unwrap the Meat Mountain and notice two things immediately: it is significantly oilier than last time. Also it smells significantly saltier than the last time. I'm not sure I'm prepared for this.

Once again, I exercise my option to remove the buns.

10:27: LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT'S GLORY! I'M KIND OF EXCITED TO DO THIS AGAIN! But mostly, LOOK AT THE SWISS CHEESE! I'm ecstatic that I was not robbed my slice of cheese this time around.

I've decided to eat this using a different approach -- this time, layer by layer. This means that I won't again experience the glory of all the meats at once, but I decide that this is way might be better because like CrossFit, this will be constantly varied. Theoretically, I should never get tired of eating this.

10:28: We start off with bacon! Boom. Easy day. The bacon is not crispy, but you can tell that at one point it used to be. It's not bad on its own.

10:29: Roast beef. This might be my eyes playing tricks on me, but I swear she gave me a double portion of roast beef.

10:30: CHEESE! We reach the first cheese layer, Swiss. It proves to be difficult to separate from the corned beef underneath, so I eat it with a little bit of corned beef. I'm suddenly reminded that I actually do not like Swiss cheese at all. Why did I obsess over the cheese last time?

10:32: My iphone camera just froze. Even it cannot handle doing this all over again.

10:36: Aaaand we're back! I think the next layer is corned beef, but the layers appear to be blending together. The craftsmanship is not as fine as the last time, but it will do nonetheless. There's something peppery about the corned beef. Because it was stuck to the cheddar, it's particularly juicy. I decide I like the corned beef.

10:38: The next layer looks to be brisket. Yep, definitely brisket. It's got surprisingly great smokiness! Makes me want to go to Wendy's and try their new pulled pork sandwiHAHAHAHA NO.

10:39: My next bite is a big one, and it's ham-cheddar-turkey. The pieces were all melded together. It is quite delightful.

10:40: I take another bite, which is less delightful.. I am getting full. But look here -- I can see the chicken tenders! I've reached the base of Meat Mountain!

That must be charming, to see piles of meat on this UVA sports blog, huh?

10:41: I finish off a bite that seems to have been turkey-cheddar-brisket-corned-beef. Where did that corned beef come from?? I thought I finished you a long time ago. Sneaky, the meats.

I appear to have fixed the massive image problem.

10:42: I stop and take a big gulp of my water. Zico failed to reach out to us for a sponsorship, so I'm just drinking water tonight.

10:46: Sorry, I got distracted by Twitter.

10:46: Alright, turkey. Your time has come. Unlike their deli meats, the turkey is crumbly, and has real meat texture, not thinly-sliced deli meat texture.

10:48: The turkey appears to be fighting back.

10:48: SERIOUSLY, corned beef. Where did you come from?? How are you still here??

10:49: I loosen my belt and unbutton my pants (don't worry, parents, this is rated PG). My stomach immediately expands to fill the newfound space.

10:49: I just ate the steak in one bite...I think that's what that was. It was not very good. So far, my least favorite layer. Next to the Swiss cheese. I just don't like Swiss cheese.

10:50: I ponder life. Specifically, I ponder why I ate the curly fries in the car. Don't let me order curly fries next time.

10:52: Oh I am slowing down fast here! But all I have left are these two chicken tenders. They were my favorite layer from last week. I feel bad that I've left them for last hear, as they will surely disappoint. I make a mental note that next time, I should flip the mountain upside down if I want to eat by layer.

10:53: How quickly does turkey work? I am overcome with exhaustion.

10:58: I literally just fell asleep for five minutes, wow.

10:59: Tender No. 1, let's do this. Still crunch. Cold.

11:02: Tender No. 2. I try to eat this tender in one bite because it's all I have left. I fail.

11:03: It's dry when you try to eat it all in one bite. I wash it down with water.

11:03: Oh crap I thought I felt so good after this. Meatsweats are happening. MEATSWEATS ARE HAPPENING!

11:27: Whoa. I don't know if I blacked out or what, but I definitely just woke up on the couch. I dread what's waiting for me on my kitchen table.

11:31: I eat the last bite of the chicken tender. I MADE IT!

In all, I think this was an easier meat mountain to conquer. Perhaps part of it was because I took the layered approach this time around. But then again, last time I didn't just pass out for half an hour mid-mountain. I'm chalking that up to the hour here.

Truly. Genuinely. I do not want to eat another one of these things. Please don't make me.