On Wednesday morning, Bills' wide receiver Sammy Watkins expressed his ... mild displeasure with how some fans have questioned his willingness to play.
Sammy Watkins putting that Clemson education to work. Out here straight serving Buffalo Bills fans. pic.twitter.com/KygbWE0ZrT— Clay Travis (@ClayTravisBGID) October 28, 2015
It may have been the lack of coffee, but it took me at least three tries to decipher the text of Watkins' post (which has since been removed from his Instagram account).
Thankfully I was not alone in this endeavor. Our own Brian Haluska was up to the task and provided the straight translation, properly punctuated.
To all the people that have a problem with me being injured: You guys go out there and play this sport. It is a 100% injury rate. I'm not the first or last person that is going to be injured. The difference between me and you is that you are mad and I'm not. Get a life and go to work. Stop worrying about my job, because I'm good on this end and forever will be. Losers. Most of you wish to be in this position, so continue to work at your little jobs for the rest of your lives. Since everyone wants a response, here - Go on, have a blessed day.
(Mild quibble: I think the last bit is actually, "Since everyone wants a response, here go[es] one: Have a blessed day." Your mileage may vary.)
But here at Streaking The Lawn, we don't just report what someone actually said. Nay nay. We do the UVa thing, and tell you what they would have said if they'd run it through their Jeffersonian Translator. Once again, Brian Haluska:
Dear sirs who have recently commented on my injury status - I implore you to attempt to play this sport at the highest level. All of my compatriots have succumbed to injuries at some point in their careers. I am not the first or the last gentleman who will be injured. The difference between us is that you have been angered by my recent convalescence, while I remain in high spirits. You would be better served to direct your concerns to another matter - perhaps your current employment? You need not concern yourselves with my career. I am fine, and intend to remain so. Rapscallions. I know you dream of achieving the accolades that I have received, but you must be content with your - admittedly insignificant - lot in life. You requested a response, so I will close with the following - Have a blessed day.
Ol' Sammy Dubs wasn't done
Sammy Watkins needs to write every day. Please don't retract his previous comments. Never change, Sammy. pic.twitter.com/0rRJAPwljn— Clay Travis (@ClayTravisBGID) October 28, 2015
[PLUGS INTO JEFFERSONIAN TRANSLATOR BEEP BOOP BEEP]
I send my sincerest regards to all of my dedicated and honorable devotees. I wish to vigorously defend my comments from the previous day. I do regret my inability to participate in the upcoming athletic contests, for it is my hope to aid my fellow brethren of the gridiron in hopes of securing a victory for the seat of Erie County. I do recognize the need for criticism as well as spectators at our fair contests. I humbly admit that the lion's share of scorn heaped upon my noble shoulders was imparted by ruffians that debase themselves with rooting for other, lesser franchises. Nonetheless, I have wronged you with my words, and I must acknowledge that our first duty is to he who is above all, Roger Goodell. Good day to you all.