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Twelve Things That are Better than Maryland

Critically necessary analysis of things that are better than UVa's eternal nemesis and former conference rival.

Mitch Stringer-USA TODAY Sports

Now that the 2014-2015 NCAA year is behind us and the Wahoos are out of National Championships to win, we've got a few long months here at STL before fall sports start (you know, sports like soccer). The summer offers a great opportunity to reflect on the state of UVa athletics nationally (#1 in the Men's Capital One Cup) and in our great commonwealth (won the Commonwealth Clash vs VPI 15-7).

For me, among all the highs and lows of this great season, I couldn't help but notice one thing was missing throughout the year: beating Maryland in things. Yes, our friends casual acquaintances associates by proximity had left the ACC to go play football in the cold, taking some of the fun out of the rest of our sports schedules. Maybe it's time to move on. Maybe I should be writing this about Louisville. Maybe the baseball team will continue to beat their turtle butts every year in the supers. Regardless, I feel like I owe it to the rivalry to get some final thoughts out there - and if the comments on this blog are any indication, the terps aren't ready to quit us yet either.

So, in an effort to embrace positive thinking (always the healthier option), I'm going to present my feelings by celebrating things that are better than Maryland, rather the bogging our general aura down with negativity. Without further ado, here's the first (only?) installment of Twelve Things That are Better than Maryland:

  1. Buncha Crunch. The god-tier candy to consume at the movies. Do people really order any other candy? They shouldn't. Great on its own. Even greater mixed with the popcorn. Plus, they sell it at the Dollar Store.
  2. Sleeping in when it's raining. Oh yes. Sleeping in at any opportunity is better than Maryland clearly, but particularly when it's raining and you know you've got zero responsibilities that day. People without children know what I'm talking about.
  3. People who take too long to order at Bodos. It's a bagel place. Even if you haven't been there, one can assume you're familiar with a sandwich shop's typical offerings, yeah? Maybe it's your first time in any restaurant, but you've at least had a turkey sandwich before, right? Where are these cave-dwellers coming from that they have to ask "what's an everything bagel?"
  4. Bruce Springsteen. Thunder Roooooooooooooooad.
  5. Hangnails. No one likes hangnails. Well actually there's probably some people out there into that, but yeah, hangnails are objectively awful. Still, better than Maryland
  6. Hitting a shot in cornhole where the bean bag goes straight in the hole without touching the edge. You could call it a swish, but there's no net.
  7. When you text someone and they call you back. Like, I get it if they're driving or something, but there are people who do this with no good reason. "But texts cost money!" you might say. "Our generation has lost the value of personal contact and communication" you add. It's 2015, no one calls. Stop it.
  8. Ketchup. Ketchup is really one of the worst condiments out there. Fine on french fries. Fine on a burger assuming you've got a lot of other things on it (namely: mayo). People over the age of 8 who put on ketchup on hotdogs should be scorned. Still, it's not anywhere near a "bad" thing in the grand scheme of the world. That should be Ketchup's marketing tagline. "Ketchup. Pretty underwhelming. A million times better than Maryland."
  9. Streaking the Lawn. No, not this blog (though it clearly could be included in the theme). Actually running naked on Thomas Jefferson's Academical Village. Especially in the rain. Especially on reunions weekend. Especially when your buddy doesn't notice the sharp decline in elevation. A+ activity.
  10. The last season of LOST. What the hell happened there, huh? Are they dead in both worlds? Just the new one? What about the final shot? THE PRODUCERS SAID IT WASN'T PURGATORY AND THEY WEREN'T DEAD THE WHOLE TIME. WHAT IS THE FREAKING DEAL WITH WALT?
  11. Nature. Aurora Borealis. Great White Sharks. Ants that hold onto each other to make bridges for their ant bros to cross. Blizzards. Potatoes. Nature is the exact opposite of Maryland: it is awesome.
  12. When your brakes are squeaky after it rains. Is this normal? I think I've heard this before. Yeah they make this sound after it rains sometimes. Maybe this is a different it more severe? I should get this checked out. When's my inspection due? It's probably fine.