clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Trash Talkin’ TJ savors the taste of victory

He is also lodging a formal complaint.

NCAA Football: Penn State at Pittsburgh Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports

Dear Sirs,

As I much anticipated, our University men, having once tasted the sweet nectar of victory, are not so eager to part with its company. Praise to the footballers and the faculty that conceived of such a marvelous strategy that yielded a satisfactory result against Trinity College two weeks prior. It was a glorious triumph, and I do hope that our students are eager to repeat the experience on many more weekends in the autumn season. I must confess that I have been enjoying the victory for the better part of the previous two weeks, and the rains we experienced on the mountain were insufficient to dampen my spirits, especially since I was able to keep to the indoors, unlike many other football teams and fans. Woe unto them, although I do not wish them any ills as a result of their exposure to the tropical elements that plagued the Atlantic coast.

It appears that we are due to be visited by ruffians from the wilderness of western Pennsylvania, in the form of a squad from Pittsburgh Academy. This institution has existed since the dawn of our fair country, but I assure you that what the University of Virginia lacks in longevity in comparison to this frontier educational endeavor, it more than makes up in excellence.

I would appreciate some clarification or explanation regarding a peculiarity I have repeatedly observed when researching this academy. Many persons familiar with the institution commonly refer to the facilities housing the school as a “Pit.” Is Pittsburgh Academy a hole in the ground? Were the original structures constructed in the bottom of an excavation of some sort? How have they avoided the concerns of water invading these lands, as it is wont to do? Once again, I formally request clarification on this matter.

Finally, I wish to register my strong disgust with an utterance that has begun to befoul my ears, imploring some unknown persons to consume human excrement. Gentlemen, this will not do. We strive to uphold only the highest character, and this phrase falls well short of such high standards. I implore all those to substitute a more suitable jest, such as “Ill fortunes on the gridiron befall you!” or “Your signature university building is obscenely tall and an affront to tasteful architecture!” I believe these cries will have a similar affect as the aforementioned announcement, yet without the most heinous vulgarity.

I remain,

Thomas Jefferson