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Trash Talkin’ TJ is a little bitter that Central Michigan is coming

Damn John Jay!

NCAA Football: UNLV at Central Michigan Raj Mehta-USA TODAY Sports

Dear Sirs,

Perhaps we have been too presumptuous, too willing to accede to the belief that the excellence inherent in all things our great University undertakes would extend onto the gridiron after a mere three contests following the replacement of the personage at the helm. It seems as such. We shall take solace in the past, however, that great things often arise with great difficulty. Our magnificent Rotunda took many years to construct, and approximately 100 years to get the majestic roof to quit leaking rainwater upon the books. I understand the centerpiece of the university will be available for public tours this weekend after four years of repairs. This is most enjoyable to read, although I remain puzzled as to why my counsel is not sought more frequently on the matters of building maintenance.

I am to understand that the Central Michigan Normal School and Business Institute has sent their football team to our fair city for a contest on the morrow. As you are well aware, the Michigan territory is still a sore subject around my abode, given that while it was rightfully won in the war of American Independence, somehow we required the abominable Jay Treaty to convince the scourge that is the British crown to remove their redcoats from the land. I can recall the rallying cries when the country considered that accursed document fondly: “Damn John Jay! Damn everyone that won't damn John Jay! Damn every one that won't put lights in his window and sit up all night damning John Jay!” I humbly submit that this would make a fine cry for the Virginia faithful this Saturday.

In reviewing our opponent’s history, I see their most impressive triumph is over a team from the Indian Territory of Oklahoma on a bizarre scoring play that should not have occurred. How exactly is this game governed, good sirs? In these fantastical times, how is it possible that the rules of engagement which all men agreed to prior to commencement of the contest are not upheld? One is reminded of the Battle of New Orleans! Was that maniac Andrew Jackson somehow involved in this confluence of events? If so, you have my apologies for the line of questioning, as Jackson is nothing short of insane.

I remain,

Thomas Jefferson