Cav Man announces decision to transfer

After a 33-year career at the University of Virginia, Cav Man announced his intention to transfer through a release from the Athletics Department early in the morning this April Fool’s Day.

“Cav Man informed me he has decided to continue doing whatever it is he does at another school following the end of the 2016-2017 athletic season," AD Craig Littlepage said. "Although you never want to see young men transfer, I understand this is part of the job. Cav Man feels it's in his best interests to pursue other options for the remainder of his college career. I will always appreciate the contributions he/it made to our program.”

The announcement comes as no surprise to well-connected fans who knew of Cav Man’s discontent about his decreasing role. He has been steadily losing his battle for cheering time, as crowds chant for “Wahoos” instead of “Cavaliers,” much to the confusion of the orange and blue man dancing on the sidelines. But Cav Man was especially irate and confused after the elimination of the Adventures of Cav Man skit before football games. He noted to Streakingthelawn.com, “I was undefeated that season, and the football team was 4-8; but it was me and a man who was once a police officer whom they decided to axe?”

Despite the writing on the wall, the decision is another blow to a Virginia program that saw three basketball players transfer in 36 hours last week. (Ed note: Though that reads as an April Fools joke, it isn’t.)

Fans are sharply divided about the implications of Cav Man’s transfer. One lifelong Virginia supporter, who preferred to be quoted anonymously behind message board username “WAHOOFAN4LYFE”, wrote, “This proves that UVA sports are screwed. Tony Bennet will never win the big one because his system doesn’t work. No other team in the nation has transfers. The end is nigh.”

However, others disagreed; fourth-year Jason Harris noted, “Doesn’t matter, he wasn’t starting anyways. I guess he did, but he’d get off the floor before the game started,” and walked away. Streaking the Lawn was unable to find any fan who did not precisely agree with one of the two above.

Our understanding is that the decision to transfer applies to all Cav Man’s iterations - both the fuzzy version who creeps on your girlfriend in the stands of basketball games, as well as the old, rugged man who attempts to ride a horse before football games.

While it is unclear where Cav Man will end up, there are plenty of spots at mid-majors where he could make a large impact. A leading candidate is Longwood, whose mascot Elwood would pair nicely with Cav Man.

Virginia is not expecting to fill the mascot scholarship with a transfer; instead, the program plans to move head coach Tony Bennett into that role, citing his aesthetic appeal, ability to get louder cheers than star players, and little-publicized dancing talent.

Asked to comment, Bennett stated “I am thankful for the opportunity to be a servant in uniting this program as passionately as I can. Humility too.”

Bronco Mendenhall’s comment struck a different tone, as he told StreakingtheLawn.com, “Cav Man is departing because the mascot position must be earned, not given.” We were unable to follow-up further, as Mendenhall had begun an hour and a half of silent reflection.