NCAA officials issue joint apology to Virginia Basketball for not calling enough fouls on opponents

NCAA Head of Officiating John Adams issued an official apology to the Virginia basketball program on behalf of all officials for not calling enough fouls on UVA’s opponents.

The statement, released on April Fool’s Day, read as follows:

“After reviewing video of Virginia’s games and reading the comments of all internet message boards, we have determined that we blew all the games that the team lost during the 2016-2017 season. Replays showed that Virginia players were actually fouled on every single drive to the basket as well as both of the team’s post-up attempts this year.”

When asked why referees failed UVA, Jamie Luckie, who officiated every game this season, explained: “There is so much action on the basketball court, we aren’t actually able to follow everything. We are trained to study how far back a player snaps his head, and blow the whistle accordingly. Also, I hate UVA.”

Virginia, who ranked 346th in the nation out of 351 teams in FTA/FGA felt vindicated. (Assuming that fouls are completely random occurrences, it is statistically unlikely that the team would have the poor fortune of shooting the fewest free-throws of any major conference team.) Fourth-year London Perrantes said, “I respect the NCAA’s announcement and am looking forward to —” before he was knocked to the ground by Notre Dame’s Bonzie Colson, who strolled away without repercussion.

The NCAA is still exploring ways to rectify UVA’s 11 unjust losses with tonight’s Final Four looming closer. The most commonly floated solution involves Virginia replacing South Carolina in the Final Four because of UVA’s higher KenPom ranking. NCAA President Mark Emmert remarked, to the broad approval of UVA fans, “We no longer believe the results of the floor are meaningful. KenPom ranking is all that matters.”